7 months later- it's a long one

In the midst of sleep training, I am finally finding a few moments to write a new entry.

I've wanted to do this every step of the way in order to keep every one up to date and also have an accurate description of feelings and emotions and accomplishments and trials and tribulations along the way.  But like every other plan I've made since the girls have been born, I'm a tad bit tardy... :)

I just went back and skimmed through my previous posts I wrote while I was in the hospital. It feels like a lifetime ago and a different person.  I remember how hard it was, but it seems like nothing now.  I was not prepared for the amount of love and fulfillment my new life with my family would bring me.  As soon as I delivered our girls and knew that they would be ok, an inner peace that I had been waiting so long for had finally taken over.  I was completely at peace with our journey, as it was just beginning.  Everything that I had ever wanted, just came to fruition.  I was a mom, and not just any mom - I was a mom to 2 beautiful little momo angel babies that we and so many others had prayed for.  These girls are miracles, which makes being their mom so much more special.  It doesn't hurt that they are SO stinkin CUTE!

I hate that I have to write this in hindsight, but that's where we are.

So after bringing the girls home, and up until about 41/2 months it was pretty much all screams.

The first 2 months I was pumping and bottle feeding because I had to add formula to my breast milk for extra weight gain for our preemie babies.  Feeding them was a struggle to say the least.  You had to hold them in a certain position so they wouldn't choke as a result of their silent reflux and pull their tiny chins down and try to pry their tongue off of the roof of their mouth in order to get the bottle in, and then try to keep them awake in order to take an ounce.  I never imagined how difficult feeding would be.  So after the amount of time that took, I would then have to go pump for 10-15 minutes and store my milk for future feedings. After, I think, the second doctors appointment, the pediatrician said they hand't gained enough weight so we had to force feed them like we did in the NICU.  It was an exhausting process, but with preemie twins, everything pretty much is.

Then the girls developed colic.  They screamed every single night from 7-12.  In a desperate attempt to try anything anyone would suggest, I constantly did squats around the house and bought a huge exercise ball and bounced them on it for hours.  Those were the only things that would bring some relief.  During the first few months, Dal was away a lot.  Without my family and his, I would not have survived.  I had help for about 41/2 months.  I either stayed at my moms, or my parents came here, and his grandparents were here a lot to help with the girls and the house, my grandma stayed with me, and Wayne stayed with the dogs at one point so I could go back to my moms where I had the most help with so many family and friends around. It's all sort of a blur now.  I have to say, I had more patience than I ever imagined I could.  My heart broke for my girls.  They would try to eat, but they would choke - their bodies told them they were full because it was coming back up, so they would stop eating, but couldn't sleep soundly because they were hungry, so they would want to eat again soon.  

After 2 months we got the OK to stop with the formula and I could exclusively breast feed.  This was a HUGE goal of mine.  I didn't know how, but I was determined to breast feed my twins.  HOLY HELL. Talk about pain.   I thought the C Section was bad.  Then came nipple pain.  I will spare you the details, but wow.  Now, no one could help me with a feeding or let me sleep through a feeding, it was all on me.  I truly don't know how our bodies allow us to be so sleep deprived.  I was nursing the girls every hour because of their reflux, and that included through the night.  Finally we found a medicine that helped them and life has been much better since.  

So months 5&6 were much better.  The girls weren't screaming all day and all night, we sort of had a handle on things and their personalities were starting to really shine.  The laughter started and Dal could finally see how much the girls love him.  He came home April 29th and has been home ever since, which has been AWESOME! (except we still wish all our family would stay with us and help us 24/7 because we still feel out numbered lol but I guess y'all needed a break ;)

I wouldn't say things have gotten easier, it's a different kind of hard.  The girls are so active now that trying to keep them in my arms is hard especially when one is still nursing and the other one wants to jump out of my arms.  And I think the sleep deprivation has finally caught up to me after 7 months because my nerves are sort of shot - just ask Dal (love you babe). So we have officially started sleep training.  We are on night 3 and they are adjusting well (I think I cried as long as they did the first night). I need to get a handle on things and take back control, because I have been completely ruled by these two angels for a while now! stay tuned :)

As I was reading through my previous posts, I was once again taken aback and completely humbled  by all of my friends and family who have supported me during the most difficult year of my life.  My pregnancy was terrifying.  I don't know what I would have done or how this all would have ended up if I didn't have you all there every step of the way lifting my spirits and encouraging and supporting me through it all.  I could never thank you all enough. 

I remember going through my whole life always wanting to be a stay at home mom.  People thought I was weird.  I remember thinking in college, like what the hell am I supposed to do here? What is my purpose?  I don't want to be a lawyer, a doctor, an accountant, a nurse, or anything specific.  Come to find out, all of that is in the details of my job description now. :) 

I can really truly say (thanks to my husband who doesn't get enough credit from me) that my life dream has come true and I am so happy to be living it every single day.  

I am beyond blessed to have these 2 perfect humans to look at and spend my days with.  I am eternally grateful for their health. I look at them in awe and always remember their rarity and everything we had to go through to get them here.  I know it was all in God's hands and as I have said before, Dal's mom and my Gram had everything to do with getting these girls safely in our arms, I just wish they could be here to hold them too. I know they are with us and the girls see and talk to them; I believe that whole heartedly.   

Happiest of new years

Where to begin?  I wish I would have had the time to document each stage since the birth of our girls so that I wouldn't be writing this in hindsight, but I've had no extra time on my hands since our girls made their way into our world.

Friday, October 25th 2013 I was prepped for surgery and got to WALK down the hall to the OR - which was pretty exciting since I was never allowed to walk outside my room for 2
Months. Dallas wasn't allowed to come with me when they administered the spinal so that was pretty nerve wrecking for me. It didn't hurt like I thought it would. As soon as they gave me my spinal they hurried   me to lay down and tested to make sure I was numb. There were so many people in our OR.  I couldn't see anything and just remember being really calm. My anesthesiologist was incredible. She talked me through everything.
Dallas was holding my hand and would stand up time to time to see the procedure. They kept asking him to sit down lol. Then we heard it- our first girls cry (as I'm writing this I am so emotional thinking about it) it was the best sound. Then came the next cry.  Dallas looked at me and  I'll never, EVER forget the look in his eyes. He said they were ok and their cords were so tangled. The doctors and nurses couldn't get over how tight they were tangled and my baby b (Addison) had the cord wrapped  around her neck. Everything at that moment was perfect.  Everything we had gone through was more than worth it.  They brought me each girl and put them close to my face so I could kiss and touch them. I couldn't believe we had our girls finally.  I was at peace and so in love.  They were born at  34 weeks , 1 day at 9:22 am and weighed 4.12   Same time, same weight.
Dallas left  with the girls to the NICU and I went back to my room for recovering. After a while, the nurses wheeled me into see them in the NICU. They were so  beautiful and so tiny.
The next 12 hours were kind of a blur. I didn't make it back to the NICU until the next night. I was in so much pain and having the worst hot flashes of my life. My nurses wanted me to take the pain meds but I didn't want that transferring through my milk to the babies.
Over the next few days my husband and my mom were my saviors.  Having been on bed rest for 4 months and laying in a hospital bed for 2 months, my muscles had atrophied and the C Section recovery was a lot harder on me than a normal recovery.  The girls were in isolates and it was really hard for me to stand next to them and bend over in order to put my hands through the holes to touch them.  I was not prepared for how physically difficult my recovery would be.
The girls were in overall good health.  They were in the NICU for 11 days and came home together- which is really rare.  My heart jumped out of my chest and into their arms every time I had to leave them and go home.  THANK GOD for our main nurse, Stephanie.  She was an angel sent to me to help me survive the NICU (she had triplets and knew all too well the emotional wreckage that would ensue).  Seeing my girls with IVs and feeding tubes and under lights and constantly being poked and probed was horrible.  Dallas was the most amazing man during this process.  He catered to my every wish and let me stay longer when i should have gone home to rest.  Being with those girls was the most important thing for me.  I tried to breast feed the first couple of days, but because they needed to know how much my girls were drinking, Dallas and I decided I should pump and bottle feed my breast milk so that we could have an accurate reading.  Every day was a test for them.  They had to drink enough in order to be removed from IVs and feeding tubes, and their feedings were so inconsistent.  one time they would do great, and the next they would need to put the rest of the feeding down their tubes - I will never be able to verbalize the emotional roller coaster (for lack of a better term) that being the NICU was.  i am so grateful we were there for such a short time.