7 months later- it's a long one

In the midst of sleep training, I am finally finding a few moments to write a new entry.

I've wanted to do this every step of the way in order to keep every one up to date and also have an accurate description of feelings and emotions and accomplishments and trials and tribulations along the way.  But like every other plan I've made since the girls have been born, I'm a tad bit tardy... :)

I just went back and skimmed through my previous posts I wrote while I was in the hospital. It feels like a lifetime ago and a different person.  I remember how hard it was, but it seems like nothing now.  I was not prepared for the amount of love and fulfillment my new life with my family would bring me.  As soon as I delivered our girls and knew that they would be ok, an inner peace that I had been waiting so long for had finally taken over.  I was completely at peace with our journey, as it was just beginning.  Everything that I had ever wanted, just came to fruition.  I was a mom, and not just any mom - I was a mom to 2 beautiful little momo angel babies that we and so many others had prayed for.  These girls are miracles, which makes being their mom so much more special.  It doesn't hurt that they are SO stinkin CUTE!

I hate that I have to write this in hindsight, but that's where we are.

So after bringing the girls home, and up until about 41/2 months it was pretty much all screams.

The first 2 months I was pumping and bottle feeding because I had to add formula to my breast milk for extra weight gain for our preemie babies.  Feeding them was a struggle to say the least.  You had to hold them in a certain position so they wouldn't choke as a result of their silent reflux and pull their tiny chins down and try to pry their tongue off of the roof of their mouth in order to get the bottle in, and then try to keep them awake in order to take an ounce.  I never imagined how difficult feeding would be.  So after the amount of time that took, I would then have to go pump for 10-15 minutes and store my milk for future feedings. After, I think, the second doctors appointment, the pediatrician said they hand't gained enough weight so we had to force feed them like we did in the NICU.  It was an exhausting process, but with preemie twins, everything pretty much is.

Then the girls developed colic.  They screamed every single night from 7-12.  In a desperate attempt to try anything anyone would suggest, I constantly did squats around the house and bought a huge exercise ball and bounced them on it for hours.  Those were the only things that would bring some relief.  During the first few months, Dal was away a lot.  Without my family and his, I would not have survived.  I had help for about 41/2 months.  I either stayed at my moms, or my parents came here, and his grandparents were here a lot to help with the girls and the house, my grandma stayed with me, and Wayne stayed with the dogs at one point so I could go back to my moms where I had the most help with so many family and friends around. It's all sort of a blur now.  I have to say, I had more patience than I ever imagined I could.  My heart broke for my girls.  They would try to eat, but they would choke - their bodies told them they were full because it was coming back up, so they would stop eating, but couldn't sleep soundly because they were hungry, so they would want to eat again soon.  

After 2 months we got the OK to stop with the formula and I could exclusively breast feed.  This was a HUGE goal of mine.  I didn't know how, but I was determined to breast feed my twins.  HOLY HELL. Talk about pain.   I thought the C Section was bad.  Then came nipple pain.  I will spare you the details, but wow.  Now, no one could help me with a feeding or let me sleep through a feeding, it was all on me.  I truly don't know how our bodies allow us to be so sleep deprived.  I was nursing the girls every hour because of their reflux, and that included through the night.  Finally we found a medicine that helped them and life has been much better since.  

So months 5&6 were much better.  The girls weren't screaming all day and all night, we sort of had a handle on things and their personalities were starting to really shine.  The laughter started and Dal could finally see how much the girls love him.  He came home April 29th and has been home ever since, which has been AWESOME! (except we still wish all our family would stay with us and help us 24/7 because we still feel out numbered lol but I guess y'all needed a break ;)

I wouldn't say things have gotten easier, it's a different kind of hard.  The girls are so active now that trying to keep them in my arms is hard especially when one is still nursing and the other one wants to jump out of my arms.  And I think the sleep deprivation has finally caught up to me after 7 months because my nerves are sort of shot - just ask Dal (love you babe). So we have officially started sleep training.  We are on night 3 and they are adjusting well (I think I cried as long as they did the first night). I need to get a handle on things and take back control, because I have been completely ruled by these two angels for a while now! stay tuned :)

As I was reading through my previous posts, I was once again taken aback and completely humbled  by all of my friends and family who have supported me during the most difficult year of my life.  My pregnancy was terrifying.  I don't know what I would have done or how this all would have ended up if I didn't have you all there every step of the way lifting my spirits and encouraging and supporting me through it all.  I could never thank you all enough. 

I remember going through my whole life always wanting to be a stay at home mom.  People thought I was weird.  I remember thinking in college, like what the hell am I supposed to do here? What is my purpose?  I don't want to be a lawyer, a doctor, an accountant, a nurse, or anything specific.  Come to find out, all of that is in the details of my job description now. :) 

I can really truly say (thanks to my husband who doesn't get enough credit from me) that my life dream has come true and I am so happy to be living it every single day.  

I am beyond blessed to have these 2 perfect humans to look at and spend my days with.  I am eternally grateful for their health. I look at them in awe and always remember their rarity and everything we had to go through to get them here.  I know it was all in God's hands and as I have said before, Dal's mom and my Gram had everything to do with getting these girls safely in our arms, I just wish they could be here to hold them too. I know they are with us and the girls see and talk to them; I believe that whole heartedly.   

Happiest of new years

Where to begin?  I wish I would have had the time to document each stage since the birth of our girls so that I wouldn't be writing this in hindsight, but I've had no extra time on my hands since our girls made their way into our world.

Friday, October 25th 2013 I was prepped for surgery and got to WALK down the hall to the OR - which was pretty exciting since I was never allowed to walk outside my room for 2
Months. Dallas wasn't allowed to come with me when they administered the spinal so that was pretty nerve wrecking for me. It didn't hurt like I thought it would. As soon as they gave me my spinal they hurried   me to lay down and tested to make sure I was numb. There were so many people in our OR.  I couldn't see anything and just remember being really calm. My anesthesiologist was incredible. She talked me through everything.
Dallas was holding my hand and would stand up time to time to see the procedure. They kept asking him to sit down lol. Then we heard it- our first girls cry (as I'm writing this I am so emotional thinking about it) it was the best sound. Then came the next cry.  Dallas looked at me and  I'll never, EVER forget the look in his eyes. He said they were ok and their cords were so tangled. The doctors and nurses couldn't get over how tight they were tangled and my baby b (Addison) had the cord wrapped  around her neck. Everything at that moment was perfect.  Everything we had gone through was more than worth it.  They brought me each girl and put them close to my face so I could kiss and touch them. I couldn't believe we had our girls finally.  I was at peace and so in love.  They were born at  34 weeks , 1 day at 9:22 am and weighed 4.12   Same time, same weight.
Dallas left  with the girls to the NICU and I went back to my room for recovering. After a while, the nurses wheeled me into see them in the NICU. They were so  beautiful and so tiny.
The next 12 hours were kind of a blur. I didn't make it back to the NICU until the next night. I was in so much pain and having the worst hot flashes of my life. My nurses wanted me to take the pain meds but I didn't want that transferring through my milk to the babies.
Over the next few days my husband and my mom were my saviors.  Having been on bed rest for 4 months and laying in a hospital bed for 2 months, my muscles had atrophied and the C Section recovery was a lot harder on me than a normal recovery.  The girls were in isolates and it was really hard for me to stand next to them and bend over in order to put my hands through the holes to touch them.  I was not prepared for how physically difficult my recovery would be.
The girls were in overall good health.  They were in the NICU for 11 days and came home together- which is really rare.  My heart jumped out of my chest and into their arms every time I had to leave them and go home.  THANK GOD for our main nurse, Stephanie.  She was an angel sent to me to help me survive the NICU (she had triplets and knew all too well the emotional wreckage that would ensue).  Seeing my girls with IVs and feeding tubes and under lights and constantly being poked and probed was horrible.  Dallas was the most amazing man during this process.  He catered to my every wish and let me stay longer when i should have gone home to rest.  Being with those girls was the most important thing for me.  I tried to breast feed the first couple of days, but because they needed to know how much my girls were drinking, Dallas and I decided I should pump and bottle feed my breast milk so that we could have an accurate reading.  Every day was a test for them.  They had to drink enough in order to be removed from IVs and feeding tubes, and their feedings were so inconsistent.  one time they would do great, and the next they would need to put the rest of the feeding down their tubes - I will never be able to verbalize the emotional roller coaster (for lack of a better term) that being the NICU was.  i am so grateful we were there for such a short time.

Sorry for the delay

I know it's been a while since I've posted, so there are a few details to get caught up on. 4 more days until our girls' birthdays. I never thought I'd say this, but time flies. After all of this it seems so soon now. I cannot wait to see what these babies look like, and I especially can't wait to see them in their daddy's arms. I am 33 weeks & 4 days today and so amazed at how far we've come.
On Thursday, the girls movements seemed kind of crazy to me, just not the norm- so my doctor had me go back on the monitors mid afternoon to just make sure everything looked ok, and it did. But they keep telling me if anything feels different to let them know and since we are so close to our delivery, we need to be extra cautious. Talk about pressure.
Then Saturday, my mom came up to visit and gave me my last mani/pedi before the girls arrive. Sometime in the afternoon, I had a racing heartbeat in my ear, and then it started pulsating. I felt fine that day, but never had experienced that before. My nurse came in around 720 to put me on the monitors and  Baby A got right on, then when she was locating baby B, something didn't sound right. Her heartbeat was irregular. I immediately felt a wave of heat take over my body, trying not to but completely panicking. She had been moving so crazy lately so all I could envision was her getting tangled and trying to get out of it. After about 30 minutes of listening to this irregular heart beat, my nurse left to call the on call doctor (of course my doctors wouldn't be working this weekend). When she walked out of the room, I immediately lost it and was crying and then 3 other nurses came in the room with a Doppler to listen closely to the heartbeat and confirmed it was irregular, then they put an IV line in me just in case I would be delivering soon.  It wast the scariest thing I've ever been through.  My brother was on his way to my house so he just came to the hospital and then Dallas got here shortly after, which was a relief because he handles everything way better than I do. My brother stayed over at our house and took care of the dogs so Dal could stay at the hospital over night with me.  Dal didn't get too much sleep either, he's a tad too tall for these chairs they expect the husbands to sleep in.
   

They left me on the monitors through the night, so naturally I did not sleep for a second. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen that shows the tracings. Hearing her heart like that was so gut wrenching and she kept rolling around inside of me, I just wanted her to be still and calm down - I'm sure she was hoping for the same from her mama.
Finally after a few hours, I think she fell asleep and she started sounding better with less frequent irregularities. The on call doctor ordered monitoring 2 times a shift, so 4 per day as well as biophysical ultrasounds which measure my amniotic fluid, the girls' breathing and movement. This will give me a lot more reassurance so I'm happy to do it all, and relieved I won't have to be on continuous monitoring yet, because that one night was enough. Now they have to leave the IV in my arm which is uncomfortable and annoying to shower with.
So yesterday I had the ultrasound and she pointed out baby B's hair on the screen. Again, started crying :) I was exhausted and that was just so amazing. I love these girls. The day shift monitoring is fine, but that second round in the middle of the night isn't fun, I just wish I could sleep. I only have 4 more days before these girls arrive and I wish I could just get a restful sleep in before they get here. We will see. My specialist said everything looks fine and there's no sign of cord compromise (I guess because there weren't recurrent decelerations) so that made me feel better. I just never want to hear that irregularity again. They've both been tracing well since that episode so we are just praying for a few more days-FRIDAY!!!
I am going to miss being pregnant and feeling these miracles grow inside of me, but just looking forward to holding and loving these girls. Also excited to get into normal clothes again, get my hair done, and be at home with my other princess puppy and my 2 boys...



I can't believe we are going to be parents. It's such a roller coaster of emotions be so excited to see them finally, but hope they don't arrive early; to have so much back pain bc they are growing, but hoping for every extra ounce of weight. I want these girls to be so happy and feel so much love every day. I want to be the best mother I can be and keep them safe for as long as I can.

The countdown has begun!

I'm proud to say I am officially over the hump of counting every day and hour I've been inpatient, and on to the countdown of our baby girls' arrival.  However, I am equally as proud to say that I've survived 6 weeks in the hospital!
My favorite night nurse wrote this countdown on my white board in my room tonight; everyone seems really happy and excited for me. I really can't believe their birthday is so soon.

An old neighbor and family friend of ours sent me a book titled, Heart Thoughts A Treasury of Inner Wisdom. (Thank you, Gina!) What perfect timing for me to be reading this. I am in much better spirits since having our official date and am open to believing these positive & healthy ways of thinking. I came across this one the other day and thought how perfectly it suited me. As emotionally exhausting and trying this pregnancy has been, it truly has been such an awakening experience for me. It has been an adventure that I will never forget and is something that I am grateful for everyday. I am so thankful to be pregnant and to be able to build our family. 

Today I had an ultrasound and Baby A measured 5lbs 3oz, 34 weeks. Baby B measured 4lbs 10oz, 32 weeks 5 days(which is exactly what I am).  It's such a great feeling knowing your babies are breathing and growing properly for their gestational age. The ultrasound tech says when the babies deliver, the measurements are usually about 1/2 lb less. So I'm praying for somewhere around 5lb babies in 10 days. I have to pinch myself - we are so blessed to be at this stage and with healthy babies thus far. My doctor almost seems shocked that we've made is this far. Like I said, we have some seriously protective angels up there, Dal's mom & my gram. Going to sleep tonight thanking them over and over again for always looking over and continually loving our families. So anxious to meet these already very popular girls :) xoxo

32 weeks 1 day

Well this time, 2 weeks from now I will be going into surgery to have our two baby girls. Now all of a sudden that seems so soon :) Dal and I went back to the NICU later that night and had a less traumatic experience, primarily because we weren't allowed to go in where the babies are because there were parents there this time and they have strict rules that you can't look at other peoples' babies. So we just sat on the other side of the wall and spoke with a few nurses who eased our minds. I told them I would be 32 weeks and we are scheduled for 34 weeks, 1 day.  The one nurse said, "oh that's nothing , we got that. We could have done that in 1980". Ha. Made us laugh and realize we are so much further along than expected. They are used to seeing the worst case scenarios in there. There was a baby who is older now, but was born at 24 weeks weighing just a pound. The other nurse said she thinks there is a night and day difference between babies who have received the steroids and those who haven't. She said the steroid babies tend to do so much better. So that made us feel good too because I've had the steroid shots, and I believe they are going to give me a second round next week at some point, they refer to it as the "rescue dose". My specialist came in this morning and said everything looks super, and just hang in there. Not sure he realizes how much I look forward to seeing him every morning.  Those few seconds of reassurance are like my first breath of the day.  The doctors can log into the computer system from home to look at our records  and see the tracings, which is probably convenient for them. Last weekend, I didn't see my specialist Saturday or Sunday which was unusual. He came in that Monday morning and asked, "well did you miss me?" YES! :)
It has been so nice to be here and be able to see both my specialist and my OB every day. Probably seems excessive to some people since I haven't had any issues thus far, but it has been the greatest part of being in the hospital for me.

Yesterday I celebrated 32 weeks (yayyyyyyy!!!!) and got all fancy in my dress and drank my bubbly with lunch. La Croix sparkling water has been my new bubbly during this pregnancy :)
                         

Grandma & Poppy are back to help finalize our house preparations before these baby girls make their way home. They came by yesterday and brought me a package that Aunt Rochelle (grandma's sister) sent down for us. 2 beautiful nautical themed quilts and sweaters and hats she made for the girls. They are all so precious and beautifully hand made. Now that's talent!
We also got some onesies in the mail that Dallas wanted for the girls :) these are strictly for home wear only. Haha
Tonight I think my hubby is spending the night for the first time and I'm so excited. Not sure if he is lol but oh wellll! And then tomorrow is college football :)

NICU

So many emotions have been flooding my mind and my heart since we've set our date, well really our whole pregnancy. But now that our pregnancy is nearing the end, I've been uber emotional. I feel like I've been pregnant for at least a year. When everyday feels so long and when each week is filled by so much uncertainty, and you're always looking for the next milestone, the next week, the next couple of ounces for the baby to weigh, the weekly mark of a viable pregnancy....there are so many days to count, and every day counts.
I am thoroughly uncomfortable with 8lbs worth of babies, 4 legs, 4 arms constantly battling for space inside of me. I have been having some contractions since Saturday that have added worry to my already long stress list.  I literally cannot take even the smell of the tray they bring my meals in on. I ask them to take it back before they even walk through the door. I am ready to be home.
With all of that being said, I realized today how selfish I have been with every complaint I've made. I've always been aware this whole hospital stay and monitoring has been all for the greater good, for the well being of our babies. Today I realized those were just words coming from my mouth. I had no idea what that that truly meant until this afternoon. I toured the NICU.
Last night while Dallas was here, we were brought over to see the NICU, but they were too busy and said it wasn't a good time for us to see everything/talk to anyone. To be honest, it was sort of a relief...because I was shaking in my wheelchair on the way there. The wheelchair ride there feels like a never ending winding path (as I imagine most of the parents feel their journey is when they have a baby in the NICU) the hallway is so long and winding, and there are creepy paintings of cartoon animals as you get closer, followed by the most heart warming professional photos of premie babies. So today, Donna was here visiting and then Jon came by and in walked the woman who has been so sweet to me and trying to set up this tour for us. I mentioned about 30 times I wanted to wait for Dallas, but she insisted now was the time for me to go there when it was in between visiting times and then later we can go back when he gets here. I immediately broke down, Jon left and Donna stayed to come with me, thank goodness.
I immediately tried to detach myself from what was around me and focus solely on the sweet  NICU nurse who was talking to me, even though I could barely wrap my mind around what she was saying because I was so overwhelmed. I'm sure I had hives. I tried not to look at the babies that were there and to think of anything else, and just tried to breathe and hold in every tear that wanted to free fall out of my soul. It was so quiet. I was obviously sitting in my wheelchair, so I didn't have a good view of the babies in their incubators because they are raised a little higher,  thank goodness. She pushed me towards a set of twins and I tried to seem involved and interested, but I just wanted to run out of the room and into my husbands arms.  I saw this baby breathing. It's unlike anything you've ever seen. You see every ounce of air fill their tiny lungs and the ribs through their delicate skin that seems too thin. Their hands are so tiny and every movement looks like discomfort because they should still be inside their mother's womb. They are so helpless and look lost.  The nurse said every day that they are inside me counts.  Every single day.  Every day that passes and they are still inside of me, is one less day they will be in there.
I remember thinking 32 weeks & 4lbs would be my mental goal for the girls and I would feel a relief getting to that point. Well, that day is tomorrow, and I am so thankful to have made it this far, because so many MoMos don't, but it's still not good enough. I know and believe that it's in God's hands, and if He got us this far, I know He will get us through the rest. I just wish now that I could stay in the hospital for another 2 months and have 14lbs worth of babies inside me.  I am making a deal with the girls that they won't hear me complain one more time, and everyday I am in this room will feel like a vacation instead of a jail sentence. I will be happy to be here from this day forward. Here's to the 25th and strong, fat 34 weekers.

Save the date!

We are officially scheduled for Friday October 25th @ 830am!!! PRAYING these girls stay put until their scheduled birthday :)  I have a due date for the first time -- that is SO exciting for us.  I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that we are having TWO baby girls, at the same time!! I can't wait to meet these two precious, innocent (ninja babies) that we have prayed for, for so long. 

Last night, my nurse was hooking me up on the monitors and the girls were going crazy and she said , wow that even sounds painful. I'm like, ya it's not the most comfortable thing in the world haha. Let's hope when they come out they are a little less active for their mama :)  

Mom and dad came up over the weekend and brought me this little pumpkin that I love and some sparkling water (among many other groceries bc I cannot handle this food here anymore) 

We watched football all day and I got another mani-pedi. Thank goodness my mom does that for me, otherwise I would go insane - I just wish she could do my highlights too!