Reflections

Dallas and I have had 20 weeks to absorb and accept all of this information about our type of pregnancy but still, there are times it does not seem real. It's not something we have or ever will take lightly. In fact, we have been quite defensive about it all.  And if you know me, you know how defensive I am about my animals, so you can only imagine what I am like with my girls! Mama bear. 

It has been a daunting journey thus far, but being in the stage of a viable pregnancy and living in the hospital has given us a slight feeling of relief knowing I am in the safest place for my family right now. I also know that looking back, this will all be a glitch in time compared to the beautiful chaos that we have to look forward to...

In the beginning of my pregnancy, I didn't want anyone to know about it because I never wanted to have to tell anyone bad news being that we had a 50% survival rate. There has not been a second in my life that has gone by that I have not been acutely aware of what is happening inside of me. I constantly worried every second of every day that my girls would strangle inside of me. I was completely terrified and cried all the time - every single day- because of worry. I couldn't breathe.  I have not known anyone personally who could relate to anything I've felt. It has been a very lonely experience, and it is not easy for me to be so candid. 

Dallas traveled a lot during the beginning stages of our pregnancy which just made it that much more difficult on the both of us. After I was hospitalized the first time @ 19 weeks for pre term labor contractions, his company allowed us the privilege for him to stay local and work; that is something that I am eternally grateful for. It saved me. He saves me. 

 Mono-chorionic, Mono-amniotic pregnancies account for only 1% of twin pregnancies. It was a hard thing to believe that we could be that 1%. To put it into perspective, my egg split at the last possible stage before our babies would have been conjoined...

I remember being 9 weeks pregnant and talking to a friend of a friend who recently had twins and she was so sweet in trying to comfort my fears and told me - "don't worry about that, they found my line separating the girls at 10 weeks- that situation is so rare, it won't happen to you. They will find the line it's just a matter of when".  Still waiting...

Another friend of mine sent me a thoughtful card that just said "Expect Miracles". I have told her, but not sure she realizes how deeply that affected me.  It was a turning point. I had to stop the constant worry and just expect our little miracles would survive. That's what we have focused on: success and love and faith. 

So although this blog may show another side of me with humor and smiles, just know that it has been the most difficult time in my life but I know and believe our girls will be the most rewarding outcome that we will cherish for the rest of our lives. Xo